When I first thought of this title, I thought out some deep profound sentences to string together. But then I realized, I didn’t feel like sounding deep and profound, so I put the brakes on writing this blog piece.
Finding myself on the same hamster wheel and never really getting anywhere is starting to really work my nerves. In other words, I’m getting irritated with myself. I’ve never met a more indecisive person than myself. I mean the fact that I’m married is a miracle because I tend to have commitment issues. Yes, this is a new found revelation. Everything I’m good at and everything I’m passionate about are the things I’m always questioning. It would appear that sticking to what I’m good at scares me because what if I *gasp* succeed at what I’m really good at?!
I’m all for keeping my options open and placing eggs in multiple baskets. But I’m too open with my options. And I’ve got eggs in too many baskets. I’m just running that hamster wheel, thinking I’m going somewhere and I’m still in the same place. Oh how annoyed I find myself with myself.
And I know you’re probably thinking, “Krystal, stop being so hard on yourself. It takes some people years to figure things out.” And I’d say, “I guess so!” followed by a half-shoulder shrug.
The point is, I need to break this cycle of making one decision only to think another decision is more appealing. I need to focus on that which I was created to love and follow that path. And not only follow that path, but stay on it regardless of what is waiting for me.
So yeah, I definitely stopped participating in National Novel Writing Month…about four days ago. And I was super excited about it, but it just didn’t feel right. I quickly realized that my focus was being pulled away from other writing projects that I would like to pursue. And I battled with the idea of stopping or continuing, but after weighing my options, NaNoWriMo just wasn’t in the cards this year.
Also, it was pulling my focus away from Savannah. I want to spend as much time as possible with her before her baby brother arrives and life changes as we know it, for the better, but with a hectic start.
The reality is, I can work on a novel any time of the year.
We all have words we don’t like. And not just words, phrases and abbreviations as well. We’re just all weird people like that.
“FYI (For Your Information)” doesn’t matter how it’s said, “moist”, and “juicy” top the list of words and phrases that irritate me. “FYI” just sounds snobby to me. I mean there are other ways to inform a person about something without ever having to use “FYI”, but that’s just me. And then “moist” and “juicy” send shivers down my spine. I don’t care if something is legitimately “moist” or “juicy”, those words just shouldn’t be used. I get irrationally irritated by their usage.
And then there are other words, abbreviations, and phrases that irk me:
-Potty (said to anyone over the age of five)
-“Hit me up”
-“If it were a snake it would’ve bit me!”
I’m pretty sure there are more of these that drive me crazy, but these are the things that come to mind…
Y’all the issues are real! But I’m okay with that. We all have words that we hear and it feels like nails on a chalkboard or a gag reflex in the making. That’s just the English language. It’s weird. And I’m pretty sure y’all think I’m weird. But share the words with me that irritate you and I’m pretty sure I’ll be thinking you’re weird too.
So, I’m having one of those lovely days where everything feels stupid. I feel like any and everything I’ve done with my writing is for nothing. I just want to stay in bed, put the covers over my head, and give up.
But life doesn’t work like that. Everything I’m doing will one day pay off. That’s what I have to remember. I can’t let a perfectly beautiful day escape me. I can’t ignore the opportunity to add more to a novel. I can’t let the chance to brainstorm a new idea go to waste. I have to keep going, especially on the days I just don’t want to. None of the words seem right, but it’s something written to be edited on another day.
So today sucks. But I’m alive. I’m drinking good coffee. I’m blessed with an opportunity to do some crappy writing. And I have a loving husband and spunky toddler waiting for me when I get home! All is well in the end. Regardless of what my feelings are trying to get me to believe.
Note to self: the best way to enjoy life is to start by enjoying where you’re presently at.
I would love to travel for a living, and so would my husband. But one, I’m too far in my pregnancy to do something as simple as a road trip. Secondly, my husband and I don’t have the money that’s required to travel the way we want to. But it’s a goal we know we want to work towards. So for now, we enjoy exploring the city we live in. We enjoy picking out our next travel destinations. We read about travel destinations. We watch shows that deal with travel. We give ourselves something to look forward to. And most important, we stopped comparing ourselves to people who are already doing the things that we want to do.
Note to self: You’ve already taken one step in the direction of what you want to do.
I’m now a stay-at-home mom. As much as child care would cost for Savannah, it would cost more once Austin arrives. And I would much rather be home with them than to work just to pay for child care. That makes absolutely no sense. So, full time mommy it is. And I’m enjoying it, but I’m still finding my rhythm, which will still take time because we have Austin to throw into the equation. In addition to finding my rhythm with my tiny human, I’m still figuring out the creative avenues I want to take to generate an income while still being home. I know for a fact that I never want to punch on another person’s time clock again. I want to be my own boss. I’m at the bottom of the ladder, so the only other option is to start climbing.
Note to self: As long as you’re breathing, you have life. So live!
I find myself amazed at the little things we learn that makes a big difference for us, just by making small talk. I really don’t like those awkward silence moments and I’m working on being more personable, so I try to make small talk. And I’m pretty good at it. It’s taken some practice, but it’s been worth it!
What I’ve learned about myself is that I like investing in the people around me. Especially if I know they are going to become a part of my life in some kind of way. So the people who work at my favorite coffee shop, I’m going to learn about them. It helps that my husband works at this coffee shop, so getting to know the people have become easier. The library is another place where I take the time to get to know the people who work there. I’m not just a face that comes and goes, so I shouldn’t act like I am. I also shouldn’t act like those people are just faces as well.
Small talk has helped me break out of my shell and in some cases, it has helped me get over myself. I’m not too good to be spoken to and I’m not above speaking to people. Learning how to make small talk has helped me maintain a more level head. It has helped me get off the island I was so determined to stay on.
So, in light of not taking myself too seriously and relaxing more with my writing, I’ve decided to stop using Times New Roman all the time for my font when writing. It’s becoming very boring and routine. I’m tired of being a creature of habit. I mean some habits are good, but then some habits are dumb and I have a propensity to create some very dumb habits. I like putting weird expectations on myself and looking back, it makes being creative less fun. The best part of creating is having fun!
Another thing I’m planning on working on is getting better about not placing unnecessary expectations on myself. If I don’t complete the task I set out for the day, I’m going to be okay. I haven’t died yet from an incomplete art project or half-written blog post and I doubt I ever will. I’ll just stop acting like death is around the corner because I didn’t complete the task. The stark reality is, I have a two-year-old to keep alive and she’s pretty hellbent on killing herself every single day, so my plate is pretty full. Things take time, like greatness! Again, I’ll be okay!
If something isn’t broken, don’t worry about trying to fix it. But if it is broken, and repairs can be made, then make the repairs and come out better for it in the end. At least that’s the lesson for myself.