All For Nothing (Repost)

So, I’m having one of those lovely days where everything feels stupid. I feel like any and everything I’ve done with my writing is for nothing. I just want to stay in bed, put the covers over my head, and give up.

But life doesn’t work like that. Everything I’m doing will one day pay off. That’s what I have to remember. I can’t let a perfectly beautiful day escape me. I can’t ignore the opportunity to add more to a novel. I can’t let the chance to brainstorm a new idea go to waste. I have to keep going, especially on the days I just don’t want to. None of the words seem right, but it’s something written to be edited on another day.

So today sucks. But I’m alive. I’m drinking good coffee. I’m blessed with an opportunity to do some crappy writing. And I have a loving husband and spunky toddler waiting for me when I get home! All is well in the end. Regardless of what my feelings are trying to get me to believe.

 

Living My Best Life Now

Note to self: the best way to enjoy life is to start by enjoying where you’re presently at.

I would love to travel for a living, and so would my husband. But one, I’m too far in my pregnancy to do something as simple as a road trip. Secondly, my husband and I don’t have the money that’s required to travel the way we want to. But it’s a goal we know we want to work towards. So for now, we enjoy exploring the city we live in. We enjoy picking out our next travel destinations. We read about travel destinations. We watch shows that deal with travel. We give ourselves something to look forward to. And most important, we stopped comparing ourselves to people who are already doing the things that we want to do.

Note to self: You’ve already taken one step in the direction of what you want to do.

I’m now a stay-at-home mom. As much as child care would cost for Savannah, it would cost more once Austin arrives. And I would much rather be home with them than to work just to pay for child care. That makes absolutely no sense. So, full time mommy it is. And I’m enjoying it, but I’m still finding my rhythm, which will still take time because we have Austin to throw into the equation. In addition to finding my rhythm with my tiny human, I’m still figuring out the creative avenues I want to take to generate an income while still being home. I know for a fact that I never want to punch on another person’s time clock again. I want to be my own boss. I’m at the bottom of the ladder, so the only other option is to start climbing.

Note to self: As long as you’re breathing, you have life. So live!

 

Making Small Talk

I find myself amazed at the little things we learn that makes a big difference for us, just by making small talk. I really don’t like those awkward silence moments and I’m working on being more personable, so I try to make small talk. And I’m pretty good at it. It’s taken some practice, but it’s been worth it!

What I’ve learned about myself is that I like investing in the people around me. Especially if I know they are going to become a part of my life in some kind of way. So the people who work at my favorite coffee shop, I’m going to learn about them. It helps that my husband works at this coffee shop, so getting to know the people have become easier. The library is another place where I take the time to get to know the people who work there. I’m not just a face that comes and goes, so I shouldn’t act like I am. I also shouldn’t act like those people are just faces as well.

Small talk has helped me break out of my shell and in some cases, it has helped me get over myself. I’m not too good to be spoken to and I’m not above speaking to people. Learning how to make small talk has helped me maintain a more level head. It has helped me get off the island I was so determined to stay on.

 

The Things About Kids

I’ve come to realize, I never really put my daughter’s name in my post. I mean, if you click on the “Who I Am” link, you’ll see her name and my son’s name, even though he hasn’t made his grand arrival yet! He’s being shy, until December! Anyway, in light of making being changes with my writing, I’m realizing that my writing flows better when I’m more personable. So from here on out, instead of saying “my daughter,” I will say “Savannah” because that’s her name.

So, to move on from that intro of a tangent, Savannah keeps life very interesting for me and my husband.  We’re both firstborns and we never gave our parents that much grief. We saved that for our teenage years. However, both of us have younger brothers, who were the wild childs. We really thought Savannah would take after us as firstborns, but she took after her uncles! So, we’re really hoping our second born, Austin, will take after us in being more laid back. I have more gray hairs at 30 than I thought I ever would. I’ve also had many heart attacks as well. My sole objectives as a mother with my daughter was to love on her every day, introduce her to Jesus early on in life, and show her that anything is possible. I figured she’d be the walk in the park child. I was so wrong! Now granted, she gets more kisses and hugs than she knows what to do with, she’s been to church enough to know she’s going to get Goldfish crackers and toys to play with, and she’s pretty headstrong on doing what she wants. So I’m succeeding in my objectives, just not the way I thought I would.

The thing about kids is they show you a lot about yourself. I’ve learned where I need to be patient. I’ve learned where I need to be more sterned. I’ve learned that sometimes being the fun cool mom in the moment is better than being the tyrant dictator who demands the sippy cup be picked up off the floor. I don’t have a bad daughter. Savannah is wonderful and amazing and she’s the motivation that keeps me going every single day. But when she yells “Help” while I’m walking out of Wal-Mart with her (and people are looking) and flips herself off the couch and shoves more food in her mouth while she’s already choking, I wonder if she’s trying to shave years off my life. The she quickly answers the question with “No” when she decides to give me a kiss out of the blue, or a hug, or my absolute favorite, cuddle time! She’s a precious little menace or an adorable little savage depending on the day. Either way, she knows how to pull on my heartstrings.

Savannah keeps me young. She reminds me to live life and to stop taking everything so seriously. She reminds me to dream and use my imagination. She helps me see the familiar with fresh eyes. She reminds me there is a God and He’s a very good and awesome God. She makes me want to become better because I want to live and lead by example. Having kids is a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. Some days feel like they will never end and some days go by too quickly. But whether she’s trying to give me a heart attack or a very sticky kiss, I enjoy it all. One day, she won’t be this sweet two-year-old asking for chips and cookies for breakfast. She’ll be leaving for college.

“The days are long, but the years are short.” I’ve heard that many times and I believe it. So, I’ll take each day in stride. I’m pretty sure everything Savannah didn’t do in her first two years, Austin will. One adventure is going to follow another. That’s just the thing about kids. There will be different personalities and different experiences. But it will be one home full of love, happiness, and zero dull moments!

 

Random Thoughts: Home Alone

So, my in-laws have had Savannah since Thursday. And my husband has been working every day since Thursday. Which means, I’ve had a lot of time to myself over the past few days. Which at first, it’s great, but then the silence just becomes weird. So here I am at my favorite coffeehouse for the third day in a row working on writing because I’m too distracted at home.

At least when Savannah is around, I know how 95% of my day is going to go. It’s amazing how parenthood makes you forget how to adult when you’re given the opportunity.

 

Switching Things Up

So, in light of not taking myself too seriously and relaxing more with my writing, I’ve decided to stop using Times New Roman all the time for my font when writing. It’s becoming very boring and routine. I’m tired of being a creature of habit. I mean some habits are good, but then some habits are dumb and I have a propensity to create some very dumb habits. I like putting weird expectations on myself and looking back, it makes being creative less fun. The best part of creating is having fun!

Another thing I’m planning on working on is getting better about not placing unnecessary expectations on myself. If I don’t complete the task I set out for the day, I’m going to be okay. I haven’t died yet from an incomplete art project or half-written blog post and I doubt I ever will. I’ll just stop acting like death is around the corner because I didn’t complete the task. The stark reality is, I have a two-year-old to keep alive and she’s pretty hellbent on killing herself every single day, so my plate is pretty full. Things take time, like greatness! Again, I’ll be okay!

If something isn’t broken, don’t worry about trying to fix it. But if it is broken, and repairs can be made, then make the repairs and come out better for it in the end. At least that’s the lesson for myself.

 

It’s Not That Deep

Have you ever found yourself making a really big deal over a really little thing? Be honest, the answer is yes! We’ve all had the dramatic meltdown over something that is completely irrelevant fifteen minutes after the meltdown is over.

Once again, I had this revelation about myself in the most underwhelming way. I couldn’t find my journal that I bring to church for sermon notes, so I had to grab a little legal pad instead. The legal pad wasn’t what I wanted, but it served its purpose -I got my notes written down. Later on I found the journal on the floor by my desk. Surprisingly, I didn’t have a meltdown this time around, but I have had meltdowns in the past over something as minor as a journal.

It’s a matter of control. I want things to go a certain way and if they don’t then my day is ruined. My Sunday wasn’t ruined though because I couldn’t find that journal. My Sunday was awesome. My kid cooperated the entire morning and no one judged me for taking sermon notes on a junior legal pad instead of inside my cute journal that has all the different names for Jesus on the cover and Bible verses on every page. Nope, I got my notes and I joined that church, and my kid cooperated on the way home! It was a great Sunday.

A lot of things in life aren’t that deep. We just make them that way. I know I do. But I’m 30, so at some point it’s time for me to grow up about a lot of things. I’ll leave the meltdowns to my two-year-old, especially when her Oreo cookies are “stuck” and she can’t open them.

I’m learning to breathe in and then breathe out.

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I’ve also started telling myself, “Calm down. It’s not that deep.”