Blogging Milestone

                                                                                                                                                                       adi-goldstein-717516-unsplashYesterday, I reached 100 followers!!!! Yay me! I set that at as goal at the beginning of the year, but didn’t think I would actually achieve it! Maybe I should have more confidence in myself. I guess the next big goal is 101 followers and then I’ll just take it one follower at a time. But in having achieved 100 followers, I’m seeing that it’s definitely important for me to start investing more in my writing. So, I will. I mean, I’ve figured out a style that I’m comfortable with in my writing. I call it “random as hell”, but really it’s conversational. Anyone who’s had a conversation with me knows, I can be pretty random!

I fully intend to invest in my craft more. I’m also going to stop forcing posts. I always want to try and have a post for every day, but the reality is, that doesn’t always work out in my favor. Now, my daughter is gone with her grandparents for the next few days, so I’ll definitely have the opportunity to crank out some posts and get them prepped and ready to go.

I’m proud of this achievement and thank you to my followers for making this achievement happen! There’s much more to come from me in the future.

 

New Leafs in Life

So, I just want to become a better person. Not even in the way of taking it one day at a time because a lot can happen in a day. Maybe more like one situation at time. I learn more out of situations than making it through an entire day. I mean let’s face it, some days we do nothing except lounge around. That’s relaxing and there’s nothing wrong with that.

But being more intentional about what I do is something I can work on. Why am I doing this? What is my motivation behind it? Am I being authentic or am I trying to make myself look better than I actually am? I just want to be more humble. I want to be more in touch with reality. I want to enjoy the journey to my destination instead of just trying to be at the destination already.

Oh yeah, comparing myself to people based on their social media feeds. Those days are behind me too! We all live our best lives in different ways. Right now living my best life is surviving this rollercoaster pregnancy and keeping my daughter from electrocuting herself by way of attacking the television.

Leaves come and then they die! That’s life! So when the new leaves come along, take them and enjoy what it brings. At least that’s what I plan to do!

 

Great Pretending

It’s amazing how easy it is for us to show up and be a carbon copy of who we really are…

I am 30 years old and for most of my life, I’ve been a version of myself. I’ll be who I think I need to be in order to fit in whatever environment I’m in. I keep many masks, like people keep many hats. I don’t want people to know the real me because I don’t want to show up and be seen. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to subject myself to the reactions of others about who I am. But is that really the way to live a life?

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I’m a Christian. I’m a wife. I’m a mother. I’m a writer. I’m Black. I’m a female. Those are concrete details about myself, but I won’t really pull back the layers beyond those details. For instance, I don’t always go to church, I don’t always read my Bible, I don’t always display the love of Christ, I get mad at my husband for dumb and petty things, I’ll forget to pay attention to my daughter because I’m caught up in housework, I don’t always write when the words are there, sometimes I hate being Black because of the social and political climate we live in, and sometimes I hate being a woman because I just need a dumb reason to be upset.

 

From my mother to some random person on social media, I’ve let people have too much control over something about me. My mom has always gotten onto me about my hair and wardrobe if it’s not to her approval and that has been something that has made it hard for me to just be myself without being self-conscious. If my own mother gets in an uproar because I’d rather a ponytail and sweatpants over curls and a skirt, h

ow will the rest of the world react? If I take a chance and share some of my not serious writing and someone dumps all over it, how will people react to the writing that shows the serious side of me? I double down on the notion of not being known and just continue pretending to be something I’m not.

But again, that’s no way to live a life. Being vulnerable and transparent (but not too transparent) is a part of living. I actually feel alive when I’m just being myself. If I’ve been made to feel a certain way that I don’t like, I know not to do that with other people. I will never make my daughter feel about her hair and wardrobe the way my mother made me feel. My daughter is not a clone of me and I cannot expect her to conform to who I want her to be. My daughter is a gift from God. She is not mine to twist and mold into who I think she should become. My daughter is to be raised according to thepurpose God has for her and however her journey in life goes, it’s my responsibility to steer her in the right direction, not set up detours and roadblocks that suit my fancy. When I stop pretending, I start seeing reality and the reality is no one is perfect, so I’m learning to get over past hurts and be better as a person.

For me, the mask is coming off. The pretending is going to stop. My experiences in life are a part of my story and they contribute to who I am as a person. I can be a jerk, but I can also be sweet and thoughtful. I can be random. I can be sarcastic enough people think I’m actually dumb. I can be funny and silly. I can be serious. I can be sensitive. I can be controlling. I can get unrighteously angry.javardh-740705-unsplash I can flat out be rude and mean. I have good along with the bad. I’m constantly learning!

Sharing about my mother wasn’t easy. But the reality is, I’m not the only person on the face of this earth that has had a parent do something that has a serious effect on them into adulthood. And telling a person to get over something is no way to go in life. Go through that something, process it, learn from it, forgive it, and then move on in life for the better. Share your story. Be seen for who you really are. Be vulnerable. And show other people it’s okay to do the same thing.

 

Fear(Less)

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” -Marcus Aurelius

I am presently 17 days away from my 30th birthday and for the first time in my life I have reached the realization that I don’t hate working, I just hate working for other people. I hate having my schedule dictated, I hate the politics of the workplace, and I definitely hate the unnecessary drama that seems to take place from time to time. I always opt to play it safe and with each passing day, I grow more and more frustrated. As my family grows, what I realize is that I have more to lose by remaining fearful of taking a chance on what truly matters to me.

I realize that it’s natural to be fearful in life. Not knowing what to expect when taking a risk is something to fear. But I have been fearful to the point that I start something and then don’t finish it. I have been that way for years. But now, I’m realizing being at a job that I don’t like is taking me away from my daughter. And with baby number two on the way, I definitely don’t want to be pulled away to work somewhere I don’t like. I have to get over my fear (and my impatience) and start doing the work that’s necessary to get to what I truly want to be doing with my life. I want to be home with my children, but I also want to work from home. So I need to figure out that balance and thankfully I have a husband who is supporting this goal of mine! If I’m going to work, I may as well take a risk on what I love because I’m already failing at what I don’t like!  

So I need to come up with a game plan. A generic, foolproof plan to follow would definitely work in my favor. And off the top of my head these are the things that come to mind:

  • Pray
  • Patienceclark-tibbs-367075-unsplash
  • Trust
  • Patience
  • Positive thinking
  • Patience

I have never lost sight of what I truly want, but I have never maintained the patience that is necessary to get to where I want to be. But I realize now that I have far more to lose

 by staying where I am in life. So scared or not (mostly scared) I’m going after the things that truly matter. I only have this one life to live. I spent my twenties being young, dumb, and scared. I can’t afford to take that mindset into my thirties. If I want my children to live their best lives and believe that can achieve any dreams, then I need to set that example for them. 

Life is meant to be lived. It’s time I start living!

Writing Hiatus

Well, last weekend I found out I’m pregnant with my second child and that exciting (but very surprising) news put everything to a halt for me. Well, for the most part, all of my creative endeavors came to a halt. I just needed some time to focus on the game-changing news that a new little human will be added to our family in December.

But I’m slowly coming back around to writing. Life has taken me and my family in a new direction, so naturally, I feel that my writing should as well! I’m just excited for the next chapter that is to come and I would like my writing to reflect that accordingly!

Short Attention Span

If there’s one thing for certain, I have a short attention span on a lot of things. One reason is, I genuinely don’t have an interest in whatever is taking place and therefore divert my attention to something that I actually care about. And I’m sure that’s the case with a lot of people. If you don’t care about something, then you don’t care.

But the other reason, is I just have too much going through my brain. I need to eat, I want to write, I have to keep my kid alive, my husband wants to talk, and a million other things. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out where I left off with something. It’s life. And life for me right now is hectic. I’m learning to embrace the hectic and prioritize to make sure the important things get done. And I know it sounds like I’m rambling in this post because I am. The point to this whole thing is that I’m figuring out what requires more attention, even when I don’t want to give it!

Spent the Entire Day (A Poem)

I spent the entire day
With this one sheet of paper
In my hand
I sat around all day
Writin’ and scratching out words
Because I wanted everything to fit
Like the pieces of a puzzle
I spent the entire day
Trying to express how I feel
For you and how my feelings
Will never change
I sat around all day
Thinking of what it is
That I haven’t said to you
That needs to be said
That you need to hear
I spent the entire day
With you on my mind
One sheet of paper in my hand
One heart with much to share
With one love
That I want to last forever
I spent all day on that

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